It’s not the same saying “I love you” to my boyfriend & to a friend. It just doesn’t have the same meaning anymore. Tonight has been hectic since I heard about the problems my friend were facing. It sounded so much bigger than mines. I don’t even know why I cry so much over stupid things. I should be happy that I’m not depressed anymore. I should be happy that I’m not thinking about suicide anymore. I should be happy that I have a loving boyfriend. But I’m not. It’s just these little things that make me sad.
To boyfriend, I’m so upset that you left me all sad & alone tonight. I’m so angry at the fact that I felt attacked when you said “you’re making me sad…”. I felt like you were making me feel guilty. I know for a fact that you know that everytime you’re sad, I get sad. Our happiness/sadness level is like always in balance. I was so sad tonight. I felt like the bad girlfriend I always thought I was. I know I’m not the best, but can you at least try not to make me feel worse than I already feel? The worse thing is that you never try to resolve these problems. You can prevent this from happening, but you never do. This isn’t the first time this has happened either. Why can’t you ever learn? I really feel bad for blaming all this on you, but why can’t you ever talk to me about how you’re feeling? Why can’t you explain to me how I made you sad & what I can do to make you feel better? Why can’t you just stay and talk to me so I don’t have to go to sleep feeling guilty and sometimes crying myself to sleep? Why can’t you just realize I’m not heartless and I will feel bad once you leave to sleep without resolving things. Why are you always leaving me sad & alone?
I don’t want to vent to other people about you. I just want YOU. I just want you to care about my feelings cos I feel like you don’t. If you did, I wouldn’t be in my bed crying right now, when you’re dozed off in your sleep. I’m tired of this. I love you so much. But I don’t even feel like being in a relationship sometimes. I told myself I wouldn’t have any boy drama sophomore year, and there wasn’t.. But junior year is coming, and you’re already blaming me for not wanting to see you. Is it my fault? My parents still don’t know about you, my siblings don’t approve of a boyfriend and they know that most times when I go out mysteriously I’m seeing you, and I don’t want them knowing because they’ll just keep on bugging me. The fact that you think I don’t miss you everytime I’m apart from you also hurts. It’s not only you feeling that way. I have a heart, I know what it feels like to not see someone for so long. I already vented to you on aim while you were getting sleep… I honestly hope you feel guilty, cos you hurt me deeply. I’m supposed to see you today too… Now I don’t want to. I was so excited, but now I think I can wait till school starts in 10 days. I don’t want to see you. But maybe that’s why we’ve been so bleeh lately.
There’s one thing for sure, I will not become dependent on you. I am my own person and without you, I’d be hurt, but I will heal. And omg, I sound like I’m breaking up with him, but I’m not. Lol, I’m so bipolar. I love you & care about you so much. But you infuriate me. You. Are. Worth. My. Tears. All I wanted to say about my boyfriend for now. This is awkward cos there’s probably a bunch of typos in this post but oh wells. It probably doesn’t even make sense. K bye!